SEX FILES: Your partner cheated. Should you Shania Twain it?

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When Jerry, a family friend, received divorce papers in the mail, it felt like a case of emotional whiplash. He had no idea that anything was wrong with his marriage or that his wife, Joan, was even considering a separation. In the weeks that followed, he found out that Joan had been cheating on him with her (also married) coworker. He was searching for answers (How had he not seen this coming? What had he done wrong?) when out of the blue, Paul’s ex reached out to him. They quickly bonded over being betrayed by their former partners. In a twist that no one saw coming, they started dating. This relationship couldn’t possibly work — or could it?

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While this double rebound scenario was the talk of our neighbourhood growing up, thanks to a recent article in New York Magazine’s The Cut, there’s now a term for this type of post-cheating partner swap. Our friend Jerry was Shania Twain-ing it.

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The Canadian icon ended her marriage in 2008 after discovering her husband’s affair with her close friend, who was also married at the time. Three years later, Twain married that friend’s ex-husband, Frederic Thiebaud. Reflecting on their relationship in an interview with Oprah, Twain said, “After we were both thrown off the same cliff together, we sort of grabbed each other midair and it broke the fall.”

While these types of relationship dynamics may seem like a recipe for disaster, the article in The Cut suggests they’re actually a lot more common — and successful — than we may think. After all, Twain has been happily married to Thiebaud since 2011. And according to experts, Shania Twain-ing after a heartbreaking betrayal actually makes a lot of sense.

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“Shania Twain–ing” or dating the ex of the person your partner cheated with, taps into a deep psychological cocktail of pain, power, and reclamation,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, author of six books including Open Monogamy, The New Monogamy, and When You’re the One Who Cheats, and host of the podcast The Trouble with Sex.

Nelson has spent decades helping couples and individuals heal from betrayal and sees Shania Twain-ing as less about love and more about regaining agency after emotional devastation. “When someone is betrayed, they often feel powerless, invisible, and discarded. “Shania Twain–ing” may be a symbolic reversal of that power dynamic.” It’s revenge wrapped in empowerment.

Nelson explains that for some people, it’s a way to rewrite the narrative. For example, “you hurt me and now I’m the one in control.” However, for many, it can also be a way to connect with someone who intimately understands what they’re going through, as was certainly the case with Jerry. I remember him telling us, “Who else could understand better than the person who the same people betrayed?”

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Whether a connection formed in this way develops into a successful relationship all depends on the intention behind it. “If the relationship develops from a place of shared understanding, honesty, and emotional accountability, rather than revenge or retaliation, it has more of a chance to evolve into something authentic,” says Nelson.

However, Nelson also cautions betrayed partners that Shania Twain-ing can also result in trauma bonds — intense attachments that form when unresolved wounds from the past are triggered. While it’s possible to find true healing within this kind of relationship, Nelson says it requires slowing down and allowing space for grief to heal.

For those considering a double-rebound relationship, Nelson encourages people to reflect on what they’re trying to heal through this connection. “If the goal is to hurt your ex, prove your worth, reclaim the upper hand, have some kind of power where you feel rejected, you’ll likely deepen your pain instead,” she says. When the rebound relationship ends, the person has to deal with a double dose of heartbreak.

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In Jerry’s case, he eventually ended his double-rebound relationship because he felt staying in it would keep him forever attached to the circumstances of his divorce. For these kinds of relationships to last, there needs to be a desire to build a relationship that isn’t motivated by revenge or shared trauma. “Both partners should process the betrayal and focus on each other rather than their exes,” says Krista Walker, LCSW, J.D., Clinical Director at The Ohana Luxury Addiction Treatment Center.

Infidelity brings up a maelstrom of complicated emotions. If you’re unsure of your motivations, Nelson suggests slowing down and speaking with a professional who can help you process the betrayal. As appealing as Shania Twain-ing may sound, she reminds us, “Healing is an inside job, not a headline.”

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